A new Walk

Yesterday, my daughter turned 12 weeks old and this is the first moment that I have had to sit a write about the experience. What a wild ride it’s been so far! As I sit on a plane bound for a conference in a far off city, I reflect on my feelings related to her over the past, present, and future, I’m still filled with all of them… every feeling… all very present on my mind and in my heart. 

I could write about all of the little cute noises she is making,  I could write about the long nights spent rocking her to sleep or about her heart or her gas. I could write about so much, but really,  it would just be for me to enjoy and probably wouldn’t resonate with too many others. I’m seeing, for the first time, why new parents only talk about their children… because they have been focusing on just the kiddos from what seems to be the beginning… the beginning…  as if the starting point and ending point have changed…. but I don’t want to write about any of that. As everyone already knows, being a parent is just hard, and I’m sure it doesn’t get any easier… and that’s not a sad statement… Not at all… it is just so. So what makes happiness when facing a new dream? One that gives you new challenges and hardships… one that gives you stress and guilt… one that offers super possibilities for life and love… one that forces decisions to be made, and offers a constant reminder of those choices, be it on the faces of your closest peers, or on that of your child?

The answer, of course is this moment. NOW is truly the answer. You can look into a future and see any number of possibilities.  Phychoanalistic hobbiests will be the first to tell you that you are a “glass half full” or a “glass half empty” type… or you might see dreams that were once attainable but now seem so far out of reach… you might see a bright future of all of the best possible situations, or you might be so busy with tending to all of the things that need tending, that all you can do is tread barely above what seems to be treaturous and tricky waters. You can look into a past and see a life of simplicity, freedom, and wonder. You can look around and wonder when that will happen again, and you can even (rightly) remind yourself that it probably won’t. The question is, again… is that sad? 

The answer is NO! Because of NOW… now is SO AMAZING and the beauty of life is so much larger than oneself that its very possible (and helpfull) to look anywhere and see it. My daughter is so awesome… watching her grow and develop the most basic of skills has been my favorite natural wonder ever to witness. Watching my partner, Emily, step into the difficult role of constant food source and caregiver to this little helpless human has been equally amazing… but hard… for me, as a problem solver,  I feel usless until there is a task to be done… as a support, though, i’m strongest… but the Foundation doesn’t have to battle the weather… and right now, she is rocking it! … leaving town makes it even harder… From my point of view, though, being a mother is uniquely a Wonder Woman story every time. The long sleepless and thankless nights happening immediately after the most life changing event that has created countless new aches and pains… it’s truly a story of a hero who rises up to when called and I now understand that just because it has occured many times in the history of life, doesnt make it less amazing and awesome… I have never been more in love and proud of being Emily’s partner than I am today… and I’ll likely say the same thing tomorrow, and the day after that. I’m now seeing that the hardest days with our child could also be the most rewarding because those laborus times are laying down a foundation of truth and love that our daughter can depend on… and after the cries come the giggles…

The birth of my daughter brought on a rebirth her father. In his place is not a higher being… or even a better being… just one that sees, listens, and responds more… one that perhaps has finished an old Walk and is ready for the new path laid before him. I am not sad to let go of the past. I hold it very dear in my memory because it helped to build ME. I do not fear the future because I have trust in myself, in my partner, in my family, in my community, and feel a complete sense of connectivity with my space within this place. I have no guilt for the decisions that we make because we do our best to be informed and balance that with the belief that we understand the dynamic nature of right and wrong…. and will be able to teach that nuance.  I believe in us…

In that spirit, I welcome to this cultural reality, our community, and the inner circle, my child, our little sum total, the girl that brings so much joy to my miniscule yet necessary exsistance, our Moon… Luna Bee. I’ll miss you so much on this trip and will be home before you know it.

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